i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
