Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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