Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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