Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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