Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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