The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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