I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
True strength comes from lack of pants
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
