i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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