When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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