So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
