and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize