The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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