Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
