shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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