I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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