She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
