Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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