went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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