sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
