The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize