Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
