is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
