is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
