I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize