Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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