It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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