I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
