I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
