Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
