Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize