You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Boobs are out for the taking
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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