Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
