I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
