Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
