i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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