I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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