I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
