Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
