oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
