I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
These tits shall not be calmed
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
