and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
