I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
