i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
