You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I could make wine with my vomit
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize