how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
