please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
