Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
