Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
