This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
