Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
