My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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