Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
