im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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