Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
