nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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