you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
