There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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