weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize