I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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